Music & Things and a little bit of “What is Life?”

So you may recall myself and Jordan promoting some new music a while back. Then we did an EP release and played some of the songs we had been working on. Ah, ya, that happened! And then it all just went away, never to be played or talked about ever again… Okay, maybe not quite that dramatic, however, here is a long overdue update and a brief examination of the question, “What is life?”

Oh, but first, here’s a a few pics from our EP Release night!

                                                                       Photos by Brandon Lee Wells

Also, here is a very short teaser clip (the only clip) that we have from that night.

 

Okay, so here’s what’s been goin on  in >>this<< girl’s head. Fare warning, things are about to get real.

So, we recorded our EP. That was…stressful, to say the least. Then we had practice for our worship-y/show/EP Release night. That was…painful! It was painful because it was one of the first signs that I was not ready for this “music life”. I didn’t like practicing. I didn’t like having to memorize and play specific parts in songs. And I basically hated all of the suggestions my husband was giving even though everyone else in the band loved them. It was quickly becoming clear to myself and Jordan, (not that we didn’t know this before, but just extra clear), as to just how much we were NOT on the same page musically. Like, at ALL!

But we did it. We finished the EP. It was actually the first project that I’ve been a part of that I’ve actually been super happy and PROUD of! I love the songs that came out of it.

Then we did our EP Release night. We felt it went well, but it was a bit awkward and we were definitely happy it was over!

From there is what started basically a super fun identity-struggle spiral. And let me tell you, friends. It. Got. Real.

It started with me freaking out inside as to how I was going to find this “performer” persona that just didn’t seem to be inside of me. A part of me wanted to keep searching it out. I loved the vision that we had for our music: To play music outside the church walls (not Jesus-y music, just music), and create an atmosphere where people could experience God.

We soon began to venture down the path that maybe this just wasn’t the right timing for myself and Jordan to be playing music together. He didn’t really want to be doing “Worship” music, which was pretty much all I was comfortable with. He wanted to venture into more experimental “angry music” as I would call it, and that CLEARLY was not my jam. All the while, my passion for photography was just stirring and stirring within me. While Jordan was eating, breathing, and sleeping music–I was eating, breathing, and sleeping photography. Slowly things started to become a little more clear for us. This just wasn’t the right timing and we were both being moved in different directions, passions wise.

Please don’t freak. We still love each other very much. Very, very much. We just hate playing music together…right now, anyways ;D. 

As Jordan started working on his new project, he started working and writing with a new friend. He would come home and tell me how happy he was and how amazing it was going. As much as I truly wanted to be a super happy, loving, and supportive wife, major insecurity was hitting me hard. My heart was genuinely beginning to hurt as I heard him talk about how amazing things were going writing and singing with someone otherhat was supposed to be me! Clearly this wasn’t Jordan’s fault, it was my own deal, and it was all coming to a head very quickly in a big, huge, ugly, emotional, identity crisis freak out.

Our entire friendship was built upon a mutual love for music, in a way that I had never connected with someone before, nor had I ever heard someone dissect a song the way he did–breaking it down, line by line, note by note.  We would talk for hours upon hours, sending each other different songs and what we thought the writer was talking about, and then sharing the feels that we would get from each song and how it moved us. We had an understanding of each other, and how music moved us, in a way we both had never experienced before. When we started dating and soon after got married, it was our life goal that we would be traveling the world playing music together! This was what I had dreamed of since I was teenager, so it just seemed right when it was all falling into place; with us getting married and both having the same dreams and passion in life. Oh, not to mention all of the prophetic words that people had spoken over the both of us. What we perceived as to only confirm, over and over again, what our hearts desires were and what we thought our life would look like!

You can imagine as to why my life was being rocked when I started to realize our life plan was completely falling apart. I knew I didn’t want to be doing music, but I also didn’t know how to let go of that dream; our life plan, what we had talked about for years! I was feeling broken hearted, not because of anything between myself and my husband or anything he had done, but because I was mourning the “death” (if you will) of this dream. It sounds intense, but when you’ve had the same dream for the past fifteen years of what you thought your life would look like, you get married and things continue to align themselves just the way you thought they would, then ALL OF A SUDDEN you have to start processing that maybe it isn’t AT ALL how you imagined it might be?!?! Ya, it’s kind of a big deal and it might shake you up a bit too, leaving you freaking out thinking, “WHAT THE HECK IS LIFE?!?!”.

Thankfully, God graciously allowed me to have only two of days of this non-stop crying, emotional freak-out / identity crises, and then brought some awesome people around me at the perfect time to help bring a little bit of clarity as to what was going on in my heart and mind and how I was having to learn to just let go of this “idea” that I had held on to for so long, and to trust that God has a plan and that it would be FAR better for myself and Jordan. It’s in this transition that we get to learn how to encourage one another to go after our passions, even if it happens to take us in different directions. We get to learn how to be each other’s number one fans and biggest supporters, even if it happens to be from the sidelines and not on the same playing field. That’s a HUGE thing to learn! Basically, we’re learning a new level of selfless love and what that looks like in our life as we support and encourage one another on our different life paths. I feel like it’s definitely a lot easier to make sacrifices when it’s for the good of both of you; but what happens when you have to make a sacrifice that you maybe don’t really care about, or doesn’t affect you at all — but it affects the one you love. Ahhh, selfless love. It’s a beautiful thing.

Do I think that we might end up playing music together someday down the road…maybe! Because, let’s be honest, we kinda sound amazing together, and I absolutely love looking over at him (while we’re playing together), giving him a look and him knowing exactly where I’m going. It’s a beautiful thing. Maybe we’ll end up doing something totally different together and we won’t hate each other while we do it haha!! I genuinely don’t know what life is anymore and have zero clue as to what it might look like in five or ten years…but, I’m excited to be on this journey with my best friend and to have him by my side as we journey and walk out this thing called “life” together!

Photo by Amy Schuff Photography